The God "Damned" Game

THE GOD”damned”GAME

Cycles of Deep despair.  Soaring hope.  Plunging anger.  Rising anticipation.  Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation.  Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation.  Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation.  Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation.  Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation. Deep despair.  Soaring hope. Plunging anger. Rising anticipation.

And finally, Angry Frustration.

I am nauseated with the roller coaster of emotions.  The breadcrumbs of promised “truth” only led me further into the maze.  When can I get off this ride?  Finishing the book is no cure.  I laid my bewildered brain upon my pillow, knowing that a good night’s sleep was not compatible with my subconscious’s need to organize the puzzle pieces of my chaotic psyche.

 I was still lost in the House of Mirrors this morning.  John Fowles’ reach extended from the pages and dragged me into his goddamngame and I have yet to escape.  How had I become trapped by the sadist?   Or should I call him a therapist?  Or a sadistic therapist?   Labels matter not.  I am caught in Conchis’ theatre, unable to discern when the game is at end; unable to grasp whether I have been helped or harmed by gazing into the Looking Glass. 

My reflection in the House of Mirrors splits.  One image seeks to find meaning  in the insanity swirling around me.  The other image seeks the courage to walk away, to recapture the world as I once knew it.  Once shattered, can the illusion ever be reconstructed?  No, the shards of glass will reflect the world I see differently --- the image recognizable, but the broken seams are visible, proof my world has changed.   

At my trial, what character flaws would be revealed?  Would my anger blind me to the truths dispensed?  Would I seek revenge and flog the messenger instead of myself?  Lily de Seitas, the twins’ mother, lived by the code of Honesty and never doing more harm than is necessary.  Honesty is a vital aspect of a healthy relationship.  Isn’t the most important relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves?  Can we be honest with ourselves?  At what cost?  Our fragile self-esteem is at stake.  The image we create of ourselves transforms us --- if that is shattered, what is left?  Can we rebuild a new self when our very foundations have disappeared? 

Conchis and his group of actors claimed to open their "victims" eyes, but yet they do it through deception, lies, and mis-directions.  All so the "victim" can travel the path to the truth of themselves.  Does this work--- teaching truth through lies?

Is our inability to stop the godgame due to our innate nature to participate in a quest?  Once we are aware the "Grail" exists, must we embark on the journey and never stop our quest for the Truth? Why are we here?  Perhaps to seek so we may find?

A quest for knowledge.  A quest for inner peace.  A quest for forgiveness.  A quest for land.  A quest for revenge.  A quest for glory and honor.   A quest for dominance.  A desire for wealth.  A desire for recognition.  A desire for love.    Humanity’s impetus to ask questions compels its desire to seek answers.   Humans engage in innumerable quests for an infinite number of reasons.    Although quest and question have the same Latin root of “quaestus” meaning to seek, a question may imply we simply need an answer to a mundane inquiry, while a quest implies that which we seek has significant personal value.   Regardless of whether the quest is initiated by a group of people or an individual, ultimately a quest is an intimate journey of one.  

 Quests provide opportunities for an individual’s growth.  Even when one country is on a quest to conquer another country, each warrior finds himself struggling with personal dilemmas, as the Illiad eloquently elaborates.  When the explorers who climb Mount Everest or travel across great distances regale us with their tales, it is the mental and spiritual realizations they achieve which alter their perspectives of life.  When a person is on a quest for a cure to his/her disease, it is the spiritual insights gained along the way that many times are paramount to the physical remedies.     The physical and spiritual aspects of a quest are so thoroughly intertwined that once the physical journey is embarked upon, the spiritual facet of the quest begins to transform the traveler.   

For many of us, King Arthur’s search for the Holy Grail embodies and symbolizes the transcendental quest.   Even though the Holy Grail continues to be physically elusive, is the quest considered a failure?  Are we transformed by the act of questing itself or are we only satisfied if the quests are successfully concluded?    Maybe possessing the fortitude to initiate a quest is the achievement, regardless of the outcome.    

In the Life of Pi, Pi’s initial challenge was to be rescued from the vast ocean, but the spiritual storms he survived surpassed the physical tribulations.  Pi spent his days hunting for sustenance, but his true quest was for the meaning of his life.   A tragic ocean voyage reveals the resolve of Pi’s soul as he navigates through a maze of spiritual shadows.  With great wisdom, Pi aptly dissects the demons of fear and dominates his despair.  With his arms and heart open wide, Pi embraces the tempest with wonder and awe as the magnificent storm illuminates the sky and water with deadly lightning.  Hope wells within Pi’s spirit as the sun kisses him in the delicate dawn.  Pi discovered a perspective of the universe that sustained him  as he coped with the vast expanses he traveled physically and spiritually.  While spending 277 days adrift was certainly arduous, the true journey was traveled by Pi’s soul.   Consistently, it seems that the physical odysseys we embark upon can cultivate our spiritual quests. 

Shakespeare’s Prospero is forced to escape with his daughter to an island of exile.  While Prospero acquires a tremendous amount of knowledge during his time there, his spiritual quest is achieved as he forgives his brothers and reunites with his family.   

Odysseus’ quest for home became a long journey fraught with many obstacles.   Perseverance was Odysseus’ greatest attribute.  He simply refused to let circumstances and the gods’ machinations deter him from his goal of reaching home.  We watch him recover from his disastrous egotistical encounter with Cyclops that resulted in many deaths when he courageously entered Circe’s lair to rescue his men.  We see his patience when Athena instructs him to not to immediately reveal himself to Penelope upon his arrival.   As Odysseus shares his stories with his hosts, he frequently refers to his extensive trials and tribulations during his voyages.  Obviously, Odysseus’ physical journeys have served to strengthen his internal fortitude. 

Do quests that originate as spiritual pilgrimages have more impact on our lives than those which begin as physical journeys? 

Like a winding river, quests are fluid and vacillating.   The quests of my youth, filled with shallow needs of wealth and vanity, have revised themselves into quests of knowledge and inner peace.   The circumstances of my life’s adventures have resulted in an adjusting of my priorities from being solely self-focused to encompassing a broader perspective.  When contemplating my quests, I now consider the ripples in my pond --- whose lives am I touching?  --- how am I impacting the world?  --- what are the long term consequences of my decisions?

        

  Interestingly, as I contemplated the events that changed my life the most, I realized with some surprise that they were not initiated by me, but by life’s circumstances.   The discoveries I made about myself during the time I was held captive by an abusive kidnapper could not have been duplicated by routine experiences.  I responded to my psychotic kidnapper with a deliberate calm.  With a peace I could not predict, I accepted life or death, but continued to contrive avenues of escaping alive.   Shockingly, as I tired of his games, I pushed him to decide to kill me immediately, as he threatened, or to release me.   When he told me that I had to die, I accepted the outcome and relaxed, glad my ordeal was finally ending.  However, it was at the last moment when I asked him to please leave some ID with my naked body so my daughter (3 at the time) would know that I had died and had not just abandoned her that he, with great frustration, let me go.  I don’t know why he did or what trigger I tripped, but I am grateful daily that I have been allowed to live.    Whenever life seems overwhelming, I remember those 24 hours and know that I can cope with whatever life throws at me.

  

          Having that confidence has served me well. 

 As the vessels of our spirits, our physical bodies may guide the soul into mysterious labyrinths.  And as the compasses of our physical bodies, our souls may inspire our bodies to travel into new territories.   Whether our first steps are taken with our feet or our hearts, I believe the paths converge to bring our souls into a space of spiritual expansion.  Choosing awe and wonder when we face the storms instead of fear and despair allows us to not only survive, but to thrive. After reading the selected texts this semester, when I hear that “life is a journey” I no longer dismiss it at as an empty cliché.   Life is a journey.  While our paths may cover many miles, it is the passages that our souls travel which impact the world most significantly.   

I realize I am not really saying anything, only asking questions.  But, it is all I have right now.  And isn’t it the questions that keep us alive, not the answers?